Revise, Revising, Re-Vision

 

Writing a poem sometimes starts with a fresh idea such as making an unusual connection between two different things. As we go back over what we’ve written, we might feel we’ve successfully conveyed our idea to other people who read our work. Or not!

 

In the following poem, I used the three-line haiku form (5/7/5 syllables) to make my comparison:

 

The size of rainfall
can’t be measured in drops or
inches but thread count.

 

Somehow that didn’t quite get the thought across, so I revised the poem and loosened the lines:

 

A heavy deluge
cannot be measured
in meters or inches
but thread count.

 

Hmmm. Maybe that clarified the idea somewhat, but I didn’t like the way the poem just sat there like a flat statement that probably wouldn’t make sense to people who have never heard rain referred to as “sheets.” Also, the poem needed energy.

 

The final revision seemed livelier and clearer, thereby securing its place among other haiku and mini-poems in my book, Talking to the Wren, published by Cyberwit.net.

 

Deluge!
Sheets of rain
cannot be measured
in meters
or inches
but thread count.

©2020, Mary Harwell Sayler

 

Sometimes, though, a poem doesn’t begin with an idea so much as a vision, an image, a story. For example, I wanted to capture true events in this poem:

 

Civilian Sighting

In woods on the other side of our nearest neighbor,
a man as slim as a new limb set up his home. He
found water from the pond and plenty of berries
until someone complained to the local law. An old
childhood chum, who keeps an open place in her
kind heart, charmed Facebook friends into giving
to those less fortunate than themselves. Yes! Let’s
paper-line the moneyed edges of a windfall, but
can’t we let an emaciated man live in the forest
beside us, at least until his shadow grows larger
than that armadillo nesting freely in the hedge?

 

Although the paragraph form gave this prose poem the look and feel of a story, I’d hoped for a more poetic-feeling result. So I tried breaking the lines differently to see/hear if that improved the poem.

 

Also, the poem seemed too wordy, which lessened the dramatic effect and clouded the overall image. So I cut words, hoping to sharpen the focus.

 

To do that, however, I first had to refocus on the important parts of the story. I needed to ask myself, “What am I trying to say?”

 

As the name implies, a re-vision adjusts the vision. Ultimately, the revision helps readers to see what you see as you invite them into the experience of the poem.

 

Civilian Sighting

In the woods
on the other side
of our nearest neighbor,
a man as slim as a new limb
set up his home. He found
water from the pond and
plenty of berries until someone
complained to the local law.

A childhood friend I
found again on Facebook
asked others to give to
those less fortunate than
themselves. Yes, but could
we not let an emaciated man
live in the woods beside us,
at least until his shadow looms
larger than that armadillo
nesting in the hedge?

©2020, Mary Harwell Sayler from the poetry book A Gathering of Poems

 

 

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